Successful communication is a cornerstone of all relationships, even in marriage. Lack of communication is the cause of 50% of divorces in The USA. For that reason, Debora Tannem’s book offers us some insight into the problem and helps us to understand an important aspect of a big problem in our society. According to Debora Tannen males and females, as well as husbands and wives have different approaches to conversation in three main aspects: Socialization, Listening, and Conversationalist’s job.
Women and men, so husbands and wives, have different methods of socialization in organizational structure and interactive norms. All of these differences have their roots in early days. First, the organizational structure among boys is hierarchical, so they like to perform as a team and look forward to the best position. Unlike boys, the organizational structure among girls is parallel, and they like few close friends whether there are the winners or the losers. Secondly, the interactive norms between boys are based less on talking but more on doing things together. Moreover, boys avoid listening, because they understand that listening is a passive role that undermines their self-confidence. For girls talking is the basis of friendship and they enjoy being listened to. Other aspect of the interactive norms is about their expectations. Wives expect that their husbands to stand like a new version of their best childhood friends and consequently to cement their relation on talking. In contrast, men don’t assume the importance of conversation and don’t miss it when it isn’t there.
Listening requires physical and topical alignment. The impression of not listening between woman and men is due to misalignments which appear in the body language. Whereas men don’t keep the same position along the conversation, women talk to each other face to face. Switching topic is another aspect that gives women the impression that men aren’t listening. Whereas women tend to talk a length about the same topic, men like jump from one topic to another. Both aspects don’t mean that men aren’t listening, but it is simply a different way to face a conversation.
Finally, women and men have different assumptions about the conversationalist’s job. On the one hand, women need to talk about their troubles because they needs support and agreement. For men, talking is necessary in order to find a solution, so they offer different points of view about the topic. Over more, for some North American men, the conversation is faced as a competition, and they use “agonistic” formats which mean tending to argue and eager to win an argument. In other words, the conversation in which woman needed to find a support, become a discussion or sterile debate. But on the other hand, for men, the conversation with women is not easier. Women tend to overlap and finish each others sentences which are perceived by men as “belittling and unsupportive”.
In conclusion, I agree with the author, who writes that the differences in the conversational styles of men and women need sociolinguistic approach in order to give solutions without blame no either man or women. Understanding and seeing the differences as a cross-cultural differences rather than right or wrong, help them to clarify the expectations, so husbands and wives may build and rebuild their relationship every day.
Women and men, so husbands and wives, have different methods of socialization in organizational structure and interactive norms. All of these differences have their roots in early days. First, the organizational structure among boys is hierarchical, so they like to perform as a team and look forward to the best position. Unlike boys, the organizational structure among girls is parallel, and they like few close friends whether there are the winners or the losers. Secondly, the interactive norms between boys are based less on talking but more on doing things together. Moreover, boys avoid listening, because they understand that listening is a passive role that undermines their self-confidence. For girls talking is the basis of friendship and they enjoy being listened to. Other aspect of the interactive norms is about their expectations. Wives expect that their husbands to stand like a new version of their best childhood friends and consequently to cement their relation on talking. In contrast, men don’t assume the importance of conversation and don’t miss it when it isn’t there.
Listening requires physical and topical alignment. The impression of not listening between woman and men is due to misalignments which appear in the body language. Whereas men don’t keep the same position along the conversation, women talk to each other face to face. Switching topic is another aspect that gives women the impression that men aren’t listening. Whereas women tend to talk a length about the same topic, men like jump from one topic to another. Both aspects don’t mean that men aren’t listening, but it is simply a different way to face a conversation.
Finally, women and men have different assumptions about the conversationalist’s job. On the one hand, women need to talk about their troubles because they needs support and agreement. For men, talking is necessary in order to find a solution, so they offer different points of view about the topic. Over more, for some North American men, the conversation is faced as a competition, and they use “agonistic” formats which mean tending to argue and eager to win an argument. In other words, the conversation in which woman needed to find a support, become a discussion or sterile debate. But on the other hand, for men, the conversation with women is not easier. Women tend to overlap and finish each others sentences which are perceived by men as “belittling and unsupportive”.
In conclusion, I agree with the author, who writes that the differences in the conversational styles of men and women need sociolinguistic approach in order to give solutions without blame no either man or women. Understanding and seeing the differences as a cross-cultural differences rather than right or wrong, help them to clarify the expectations, so husbands and wives may build and rebuild their relationship every day.
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