Why do women always complain that men don’t talk or listen to them? Why do men always complain that they’re puzzled about women’s talking? There is not only a difference of appearance between a man and a woman, but there is also a difference in communication rituals between them. Making talk between women and men is just like cross-cultural communication says D.Tannen. Women regard communication as the cornerstone of relationship; they care about the sense of closeness “of a like shared”. However, men don’t treat communication as the cement that binds a relationship, they think that relationship is based more on doing things together. According to Deborah Tannen, these communication woes that resulte in communication between men and women are different in many ways, such as interpretation and response, listening to body language.
The communication between men and women are different in the way of interpretation and response. Men and women can walk away from the same conversation with totally different interpretation because women literalize the subject differently from men. For example, Susan felt dreadful that she had put on some weight after the vacation; Brain tried to cheer her up by saying, “It is good because you will not feel cold anymore during the winter time, and you can always have the leather clothes on.” She was freaked out. She just wanted him to tell her that she didn’t look fat. For women, they usually take a tease too literally. They don’t have enough sense of humor sometimes, and they are always too sensitive about teasing. In contrast, men feel that flint teasing is a way they show affection. They would not talk that way to someone they didn’t feel close to. In addition, men and women are also confused by “trouble talk”. For women, talking about troubles is simply trying to establish a kind of intimacy. They are not looking for man to give them advice or fix their problems; all they wanted were men understanding how they feel and show their empathy. Women feel that a man offers advice as if he is trying to reduce her problem or cut her off. However, men treat “trouble talk” as a request for advice, so they consider give response with a solution as being supportive, because men do not talk to each other about their troubles unless they really want a solution.
The way of listening to body language is also quite different between men and women. The linguist Lynette Hirschmand found that women make more listener noise than men. When women talk to each other, they are used to making listener noise, such as “mhm,” “uhuh,” and “yeah,” to show “I am with you.” They also overlap, repeat each other’s sentences and expect what the other is about to say. On the other hand, men often give silent attention. They feel the listener noise an overreaction and impatience as well as lack of attention. Furthermore, the impression of not listening results from the difference of physical position “eye contact” between men and women. Girls in all ages face each other directly when they talk. The direct gaze cues are a sign of the amount of attention and respect. But for men, the process is different from women. Men tend to sit at angles or parallel and look at anything except each other. The direct gaze signal aggression, and they are likely to stare their opponents down. It feels just like a challenge.
In short, men use “agonistic” format to do almost anything; thus they view a conversation as a kind of competitive sport. In contrast, women see conversation as a ritual means of establishing rapport. However, communication is needed for both genders to be able to understand each other well. Having a deeper awareness of how differently men and women communicate is essential to prevent arguments and misunderstanding. Always think about the way you communicate to others and pay attention to your body language with will help you communicate better.
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